What has a head and a foot but no arms?
A bed! (submitted by Sierra Mae)
The turtle took two chocolates to Texas, to teach Thomas to tie his shoes. How many "Ts" in that?
There are 2 "Ts" in "THAT! (submitted by Alan)
What kind of keys do kids like to carry?
Coo-kies! (submitted by nerd)
Why do Teddy Bear biscuits wear long trousers?
Because they've got crummy legs! (submitted by Emily is da bomb diggitty)
Why don't traffic lights ever go swimming?
Because they take too long changing! (submitted by pokemon_master_99)
Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank?
He wanted a clean getaway! (submitted by Lauren 12)
What has 5 eyes, is blind, goes for miles, yet bumps into nothing?
The Mississippi River! (submitted by Ally Cat)
Whats the hardest part about sky diving?
The Ground! (submitted by Lauren D)
What gets wet the more you dry?
A towel! (submitted by Danny Alley)
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you'll rise and shine! (submitted by Tru Playa)
How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
One! After that its not empty! (submitted by Heavens Angel_03)
What washes up on very small beaches?
Microwaves! (submitted by Leigh Teetzel)
Why do candle trimmers work so few days a week?
They only work on wick-ends! (submitted by Kayla)
What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?
Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV? (submitted by Janet S.)
What breaks when you say it?
Silence! (submitted by Dawn)
If Phil & Lil were a fruit, what kind would they be?
A pear (pair)! (submitted by Britt & Emily)
Why can't you starve in a desert?
Because of all the "sand which is" there! (submitted by Jessica Koehlitz)
What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it?
A hole! (submitted by matt)
If a man falls into an outhouse hole, how long will he be in there?
It depends on how many moons he sees! (submitted by Taylor A.)
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
The road! (submitted by Moke)
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change! (submitted by Bria from Michigan)
What bow can't be tied?
A rainbow! (submitted by LilG)
What time do you go to the dentist?
Tooth-Hurty! (submitted by Alexis Moore)
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming! (submitted by Kate Brown)
What did the dentist say to his computer?
You have a severe Megabyte! (submitted by Adrienne)
Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
Because Donald Ducked! (submitted by Callie)
What do you get when you throw Daffy Duck into the ocean?
Saltwater Daffy! (submitted by bawjaw)
Why did Jon go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date! (submitted by Eric Sanger)
What goes all around a pasture but never moves?
A fence! (submitted by Scuba)
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs! (submitted by Annie Sligh)
How do you say chocolate in French?
Chocolate in French! (submitted by Sydney Robbins)
Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Because he tasted funny! (submitted by Annie Sligh)
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
Hi Cliff! (submitted by WJ)
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyouthinkysarus! (submitted by Deano)
What did the robot say when his battery went dead?
AC Come, AC Go! (submitted by gloriafan)
What did Pooh say to his agent?
Show me the honey! (submitted by gloriafan)
What's the last thing you take off before going to sleep?
Your feet off the floor! (submitted by Ariella)
What rock group has four men that don't sing?
Mount Rushmore! (submitted by Megan)
What should you do when you're dying?
Go into the living room & eat life savers! (submitted by Bob)
What has four legs but doesn't move?
A table! (submitted by Brittany)
What is H204?
Drinking! (submitted by Karen)
Who was bigger, Mr. Bigger or his son?
His son...he was a little Bigger! (submitted by Mari)
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck! (submitted by M.F.)
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich?
Because the poor didn't have any money! (submitted by Jordan Fries)
How do you make antifreeze?
Hide her nightgown! (submitted by anonymous)
What did one candle say to the other candle?
Lets go out tonight! (submitted by Kate)
What do you call a city with 2,000 eggs?
New Yolk City! (submitted by Felicia)
What is the best day to go to the beach?
Sunday, of course! (submitted by Bo Cheever)
Why did the man throw his pants out the window?
He heard the newspaper boy yell "Free Press"! (submitted by Bear)
What has teeth but cannot eat?
A comb! (submitted by missmollylou)
What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I'm coming down with something! (submitted by Greg)
What goes up the chimney down, but not down the chimney up?
An umbrella! (submitted by Kendra Taylor)
What do you call a funny guy whose face changes colors?
A chameleon! (submitted by Sarah McAlevey)
What song does a van radio play?
A cartoon (car tune)! (submitted by Gwynneth & Jaimie)
Why is Santa Claus like a busy gardener?
Because all he does is HO HO HO! (submitted by Bug)
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits! (submitted by Melissa)
Why did the lawyer go to court in her underwear?
Because she lost her suit! (submitted by Christian)
What did one firecracker say to the other firecracker?
My pop's bigger than your pop! (submitted by Carly)
How can you tell a train went by?
It left its tracks behind! (submitted by Carrie Sears)
Why didn't God make 2 Yogi Bears?
He made a boo-boo! (submitted by Julianne M.)
Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh! (submitted by Markie Sharp)
What is big, red, and eats rocks?
A big red rock eater! (submitted by Bob)
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims! (submitted by Zira)
Why is Bart Simpson's Dad afraid of Mark Magwire?
Because he hits a lot of Homers! (submitted by Huh? What?)
Does your shirt have holes in it?
No, then how did you put it on? (submitted by Abby)
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot! (submitted by lockjaw2.1)
What do you get when you cross Frosty the Snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite! (submitted by Ana G.)
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck! (submitted by Megan Smith)
Who stole the soap?
The Robber Ducky! (submitted by Ryan)
What goes all over the world but doesn't move?
The highway! (submitted by eggs)
What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May?
A Puddle! (submitted by Chris Arellanes)
Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street! (submitted by Justine Osborn)
What kind of boomerang doesn't come back?
A stick! (submitted by Matthew Coleman)
What kind of flower grows on your face?
Tulips! (submitted by Jason McMaster)
What do you get when you cross a grandma & an octopus?
I don't know, but it sure can play Bingo! (submitted by Sarah A.)
What does Tarzan sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells! (submitted by Maeve)
Why did the man run around his bed?
To catch up on his sleep! (submitted by Hannah Banna)
Why is it cold on Christmas?
Because its in Decembrrrrrrrrrr! (submitted by Allison)
How much does it cost for a pirate to get earrings?
A Buccaneer! (submitted by Harley (beasty))
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
Post Office! (submitted by NeNe)
What is the difference between a jeweler & a jailer?
A jeweler sells watches & a jailer watches cells! (submitted by Zach Tuchman)
What did the pinetree say to his girlfriend?
I'm fir you! (submitted by John Baker)
What did Delaware?
A New Jersey! (submitted by chronotrigger)
Why can't you play cards on a small boat?
Because someone is always sitting on the deck! (submitted by Jay)
Where does a king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies! (submitted by Chelsie)
What is green and has yellow wheels?
Grass...I lied about the wheels! (submitted by anonymous)
What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do at night?
Lie awake and wonder if there really is a dog! (submitted by Snufelufogus)
What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln & Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays! (submitted by Bo)
What did the blanket say to the bed?
Don't worry, I've got you covered! (submitted by Lindsay)
What did one volcano say to the other?
Do you lava me like I lava you? (submitted by Meg)
Three people were standing under an umbrella...which one got wet?
None of them, it wasn't raining! (submitted by Bones)
Why should you take a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains! (submitted by sausage)
Why did the tap run?
Because it saw the apple turnover! (submitted by lala)
What did the sea say to the sand?
Nothing, it just waved! (submitted by Emma J.)
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You are too young to smoke! (submitted by Nascar_Man22)
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the frog have in common?
The same middle name! (submitted by Nathan)
What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
Get dressed up, the doctor is taking us out! (submitted by Sonia/Akhil)
What goes up and down but never moves?
The stairs! (submitted by Brandy)
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can HO HO HO! (submitted by Joe)
What did Snow White say while she waited for her photos?
Someday my prints will come! (submitted by Fireface)
Did you hear about the robbery last night?
Two clothespins held up a pair of pants! (submitted by Mr. Bill)
Why do eskimo's do their laundry in Tide?
Because its too cold out "tide"! (submitted by Stephanie Fellner)
Where was Mickey when the lights went out?
In the dark! (submitted by Karli)
What has 2 hands, a big round face, always runs but stays in place?
A clock! (submitted by Samantha)
What has a mouth but never talks, always runs & never walks?
A River! (submitted by Samantha)
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish! (submitted by Sam)
What kind of button won't unbutton?
A bellybutton! (submitted by anonymous)
A man walked into a bar...
OUCH! (submitted by Lauren & Mary)
What runs but can't walk?
The faucet! (submitted by Ericka)
What do you call a man who crosses a river twice & doesn't take a bath?
A dirty double crosser! (submitted by Leonard)
What goes up and does not come down?
Your age! (submitted by Marcya)
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills! (submitted by Poppabear)
What is big, red, furry and knocks you over?
Tackle Me Elmo! (submitted by Jarret Y.)
Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly! (submitted by anonymous)
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
Because he wanted to work over-time! (submitted by Anonymous)
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
A water bed! (submitted by Gretchen)
What did one wall say to the other wall?
Meet you at the corner! (submitted by Tiffany Dillon)
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll just hang around! (submitted by Emily B.)
What do you call a carousel with no brakes?
Merry-go-round, and round, and round, and round!
What do you call a snowman with a suntan?
A Puddle!
Send me your jokes & riddles...if I like them I'll post them, and give you the credit! Just click on the envelope below, type out your joke, and tell me the name or nickname that you want me to post with it.
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