A policeman saw a man walking down the street with a penguin. He told the man he should take the penguin to the zoo.'Good idea', the man replied, and off he went. The next day the policeman saw the man again, and he still had the penguin with him. 'I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo', the policeman said. 'I did', answered the man, 'and today I'm taking him to the movies!'
(Submitted by Julia F.)
A man takes his obviously dead dog to the vet. The man says to the
vet, "I think my dog is real sick. Would you please examine him and tell
me what you think?" The vet looks at the dog and says, "I'm very sorry
Mr. Smith but your dog has died." The man implores, "Are you sure
doctor? Is there any tests you can run to be sure?" "Oookay," says the
doctor skeptically. He has his assistant bring in the office house cat.
The cat proceeds to sniff the dog from nose to tail, jumps off the
table and goes into the other room. The doctor says, "Well that confirms
my diagnosis, Mr. Smith, your dog has passed on." Regrettably, the
doctor continues. "And I am really sorry to have to give you the bill for
our services at such a time." The man looks at the bill and in shock
says, "$285? $285 to tell me my dog is dead??" "No," says the doctor,
"That was only $35. The other $250 was for the cat scan.
(Submitted by Mertylfish)
There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided maybe they had a phone. When he got there he saw a farmer and a pig. The only thing was the pig only had three legs and a wooden leg where the fourth was missing. "Hey there, you wouldn't happen to have a phone would you?" the guy said, still thinking about the pig. "Nope, no phones 'round these parts." The farmer looked up at the sky just as the man noticed it was getting darker. "Well, I guess...ya can stay here for 'da night. 'Dat is if you likes." Thinking about his flat he decided to stay. "I just have one question, what happened to that pig?" asked the man. "Well,..he been in a fire not 'dat longs ago. Rescued all 'da childrens too. Yep, 'dat be one fine pig."said the farmer. "Well, how'd he get like that? Did the leg get burnt....or what?" asked the man. "Nope, he didn' get hurt." "Then what happened to his leg?" the man asked getting more & more impatient. "Well," the farmer said annoyed "everybody knows 'dat you don't eat a pig like 'dat in one sittin".
(Submitted by Nicole Wadsworth, Age 11)
Five guys were on a plane...a kid, a preacher, a doctor, the captain, and a lawyer. The captain came on the P.A. system and says "Mayday, Mayday! We're going down and there is only four vests on the plane. You guys decide who's staying but I'm jumping now!!!" The doctor says "I've saved lives my whole life so I think that I should get one," so the doctor jumps. The lawyer says "I'm the smartest man in the world. I've solved over nine dozen cases so I'm jumpin' bye!" So the preacher goes up to the kid and says "I've lived a long and happy life and I know I'm going to heaven, so you take the last vest and go." The kid says "No, you grab this one and I'll grab the other one because the smartest man in the world just jumped with my book bag!!!!"
(Submitted by Zach Fellows Age 12, USA)
My boss told me to use the colors green, pink, and yellow in a sentence
and I would get a raise. What did I do? I told him, "When the phone goes
"green! green!" I "pink" it up and say "yellow!"
(Submitted by Stephanie Casey)
There was a car full of nuns that were driving really slow. A police
officer pulls them over and asked why they were going so slow. The head nun
replies "Well, the sign over there says 23 and I was going 23 miles per hour."
The officer says "No, thats the route number not the speed limit, you can
go 55 miles per hour." The nun then says "Well that explains why the nuns
were yelling at me earlier today." The officer asked why and the nun said
"Well we just got off route 125!!"
(Submitted by Jim Courtois, St. Louis Missouri)
There once was a pirate who had a peg leg, a hook on his left hand, and
a patch on his left eye. One day this pirate walked into a pub and sat
down at the table beside a cabin boy. The cabin boy looks at him and
said, "Hey mate, what happened to your leg, sir?"
The pirate looked at him and said "AYE, I was leaning over to clean
the side of me boat when I FELL into the water and a shark tore it
off!" The cabin boy took a sip of his drink and looked back at the
pirate's gleaming silver hook and said "Gee sir that sounds terrible,
but what I would really like to know is what happened to yer hand?"
The Pirate looked at him and looked back at his mug of ale and said,"
Aye, I was boarding another ship when some scaly landlubber cut it off
with a razor sharp blade!"
Then the cabin boy looked at the pirates eye patch and asked, "Excuse
me sir, but just one more question, what happened to your eye, I must
know, oh please tell me?" The Pirate look kind of annoyed but answered anyway, he said, "It happened a long time ago when a seagull pooped in me eye and I tried to rub it out with me hook!"
(Submitted by the Minster_Of_Doom)
There once was a lady who had identical twin boys, named Amal and Juan. She could not care for them so she gave them up for adoption. One couple adopted Juan and moved to Spain. Another couple adopted Amal and moved to Iraq. Ten years later Juan sent his birth mother a letter and a picture of himself. The mother told her husband she wished Amal would send her a picture too. The husband said, "Well, when you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal"!!!
(Submitted by The Charry Chipmunk Gang)
A blonde was a little low on money, so she decided to hire herself out as a handyman. She went into this rich neighborhood, and went up to a house. She knocked at the door and a man answered the door. "May I help you?" "Yes I am a handyman, and I was wondering if you needed any work done around your yard." "As a matter of fact I do, I need my porch painted. How much will you charge?", the man asked. "How about $50?" the blonde said. "Okay, the paint, ladders, and everything else that you will need is in the shed." The blonde
went to work.
The man went into his house and his wife said "Does she know that it is a wrap-around porch?" "She should, she was standing on it", the man replied. About 30 minutes later the blonde went up to the house. "Done already?" the man asked. "Yes and I had some extra paint, so I put two coats on." The blonde replied.
"Great!" the man replied and
handed her the $50. The blonde was walking to her car when she
turned around and said "Oh, and by the way, it's a ferrari, not a porsche. "
(Submitted by Ashley Austin)
A frog walked into a bank to see the loan officer, Mr. Pattiwack. He said "Hi! My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm Mick Jagger's son, and I need a loan." So Mr. Pattiwack said "What do you have as collateral." Kermit said "I have a pink ceramic elephant." So Mr. Pattiwack walked into his boss's office and said "There is a frog out here named Kermit Jagger. All he has for collateral is a pink ceramic elephant and I don't know what that is!" So his boss said "It's a knick-knack Pattiwack give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone."
(Submitted by Quinn)
There are three houses. One is blue, one is red, and one is white.
The red house is on the left. The blue is on the right. Where's the white house?
In Washington D.C.!
(Submitted by gamer)
How many elephants can you fit into a little pink car?
5...2 in the front, 2 in the back and 1 in the trunk.
How do you know an elephant has been in the fridge?
There is a footprint in the butter.
How do you know 2 elephants have been in the fridge?
There are 2 footprints in the butter.
How do you know 3 elephants have been in the fridge?
There are 3 footprints in the butter.
How do you know 4 elephants have been in the fridge?
There are 4 footprints in the butter.
How do you know 5 elephants have been in the fridge?
There is a little pink car out front.
(Submitted by Jessica Barlow from Australia)
Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Camper: I bent over to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There's no b in rose!
Camper: There was in this one!
(Submitted by ~*Amanda*~)
There were two people robbing an apartment. The first one said,
"I hear the owner coming! Quick, jump out the window!" The
second one said, "Are you crazy? We're on the thirteenth floor!"
The first one said, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
(Submitted by Veronica DeSantis)
A chicken walks into a book store and says, "Book book book book book book." The person at the desk hands a book to the chicken and the chicken walks out. The next day the chicken walks into the book store again and says, "Book book book book book book." The person at the desk hands a book to the chicken and the chicken walks out. The same thing happens over and over and over through the week. The person at the desk starts to wonder what the chicken is doing with the books and he finally decides to follow the chicken next time.
The next day the chicken walks into the store and says, "Book book book book book book." The guy behind the desk hands the chicken a book and the chicken walks out. The man follows the chicken into a forest with a long twisty path, after walking for a while the man comes to a pond and he sees the chicken and a frog. The chicken drops the book and says, "Book book book book book book." Then the frog says, "Read it, read it."
(Submitted by Meggie Turner from B.C.)
There was a man that was sitting in a recliner on the 1st floor of his house. It started to flood. 1 hour later a boat came and said "c'mon get
in!" The man said "no, I have faith in God...he'll save me!", so the boat left.
2 hours later he was forced to move to the 2nd floor. Another rescue boat came and said "c'mon get in". Again the man said "no, I have faith in God...he'll save me!"
3 hours later he was forced to move up on the roof. A helicopter came and said "c'mon get in". Again the man said "no, I have faith in God...he'll save me." 4 hours later he died and went to heaven and he
asked St. Peter why God didn't save him. St. Peter said "He tried! He sent you 2 rescue boats and a helicopter!!!!"
(Submitted by Sarah)
Michael comes back from school and says to his mom, "Mom, my teacher is interested in our family. At recess time, he asked me if I had any brothers or sisters and I told him that I didn't." "And what did he say?", asked his mother. He said, "Thank You God!"
(Submitted by Tiffany)
Three guys were stranded on an island. One day, a magic lamp washed
ashore. A magic genie popped out. He said "I'll give each of you one wish."
The 1st man said "I want to go back home"...he disappeared. The 2nd man said "I also want to go home"...he also disappeared. The third man looked
around and felt lonely. He said "I want my 2 friends back to keep me company"!
(Submitted by Gap grl)
Once there was a house that was 3 stories high, the people who owned
the house were going to make the house 4 stories high, but, that's another story!
(Submitted by Jessica Taylor, AL, age 10-1/2)
Once there was a parrot and he swore like a sailor. He belonged to a goody-goody little old man. The old man said, "Parrot, if you don't stop swearing, I will put you in a box!" The parrot kept on swearing. So the little old man put him in a box. The parrot kicked the sides and scratched at the box until the old man took him out. The parrot kept on swearing. The little old man said, "If
you don't stop swearing, I will put you in a cupboard!" The parrot kept right on swearing. So the little old man put the parrot in the cupboard. The parrot was kicking the walls and making a lot of racket until the little old man finally took him out. The parrot kept swearing so the little old man said, "If you keep swearing, I am going to put you in the freezer!" The parrot kept right on swearing so the little old man put him in the freezer. The bird was making
quite a racket for about 5 minutes then it was all quiet. The Little Old Man was beginning to get scared, so he opened up the freezer. The bird quietly stepped out, his hands folded in front of him. He said, "I will be good as long as I live! By the way, what did the chicken do?"
(Submitted by Ski4eva)
A moron was in a canoe trying to paddle it through a field. An idiot
drives up and says, "what are you doing?" The moron says, "I'm trying to paddle through the water but it doesn't seem to be working." The idiot says, "If I knew how to swim I'd come out there and slap you silly!"
(Submitted by Amber)
Pete and Repete went for a walk in the woods. They swam through a
river, they outran a bear, and then they came to a cave. Pete and Repete went in. Pete got lost. Who was left?
Repete.
Okay, you must not have understood the first time, Pete and Repete
went for a walk in the woods...
(Submitted by Leigh Teetzel)
3 Pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders one drink then asked the
bartender "where's the bathroom?" The bartender said "down the hall to
the right." The second pig orders 2 drinks and asked the bartender
"where's the bathroom?" "Down the hall to the right." The third pig orders
3 beers and asks for the bill. The bartender said "don't you want to go
to the bathroom?" "No" said the pig. "I'm the pig that goes wee wee all
the way home."
(Submitted by Salamander)
Once upon a time there lived three little boys named Pooh, Manners
and Shut-up. One day they were riding on their bicycles. Pooh
fell off his bicycle and he was badly hurt. Shut-up went to the
police officer and asked for help. The officer asked what his name
was. "Shut-up" the boy replied. "Ok kid I'm
going to ask you one more time... what is your name?" "Shut-up" the boy said again. "Where's your manners?" asked the policeman. The boy answered "Outside picking up pooh!"
(Submitted by Amanda)
There was a man that was walking through the forest, and when he turned a corner he saw 2 bears. He prayed that the bears were Christian. He was relieved when he turned around and saw the bears praying. They said...
"Dear Lord, thank you for the meal that we are about to eat!"
(Submitted by Maryma)
A man walks into a club and asks for a drink. The bartender says "no", because the man has already had one too many. So the man says "OK then, can I play darts instead?" The Bartender says "No way, you could poke someone's eyes out in your condition." The man replied "Just give me one chance, if I miss, I will leave." The bartender agreed, just to get rid of him. The man shoots the dart and makes a bullseye. The Bartender says "congratulations! You have won first prize!" So the man says "what's my prize?" The bartender had bought a pet turtle for his son, so he gave that to the man. The man goes home and comes back the next day. There is a different bartender there that night, and the man was in the same condition as the night before, so when he asks if he can play darts the bartender says "no". The man says "but I won first prize yesterday!" The bartender asks "What was your prize?". The man replied "Roast Beef on a hard roll!"
(Submitted by Amanda)
There were three morons on a roof a big moron, a medium moron and a little moron. The big and the medium morons fell off, why didn't the little one?
Because he was a little moron (more-on)!
(Submitted by AndyM216)
An Irish man walked into a local pub. He ordered three beers at the same
time. When the man was on his third round the bartender said, "The beer
would probably taste better if you ordered them one at a time." The man
replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers who live in different
countries. One lives in Australia and the other lives in the United States.
We promised each other that we'd always drink this way in memory of when we
used to drink together." "I understand" the bartender sighed. The man came
in every day and ordered three beers. After two weeks had passed the man
came in and ordered only TWO beers. When the man was on his second round
the bartender
finally spoke up and said, "I'm sorry about your loss." "HUH?" the man
said, confused. "OH! No, one of my brothers didn't die. I just gave up drinking!"
(Submitted by Justin)
MAN: I shot my dog last night!
BROTHER: Was he a MAD dog?
MAN: Well, he sure wasn't happy about it!
(Submitted by Justin)
Me, my brother and my friend Jason die. We go up to the gates of heaven and
St. Peter says "You can do anything up here except step on a duck.
If you do you will get paired up with the ugliest girl in heaven". The next day we're walking down the road and Jason pushes me on a duck. I get paired up with the ugliest girl in heaven. Then my brother pushes Jason on a duck. He gets paired up with the ugliest girl in heaven. Then my brother comes walking down the
street with this beautiful girl. We said "How did you get paired up with her?"
"She stepped on a duck!!!"
(Submitted by CR)
A Granny was in her house when the phone rang. She answered it and the voice said: "I Am The Viper And I Am 4 Blocks Away!" The Granny thought it was just children playing and put down the phone. A few minutes later the phone rang again. The Granny answered it and the voice said: "I Am The Viper And I Am 3 Blocks Away!" She started to get scared now. A few minutes later the phone rang again and she answered it and the voice said: "I Am The Viper And I Am 1 Block Away!" Now she was very scared! A few minutes later the doorbell rang! She took her Grandson's B-B Gun and rushed to the door. She opened it and stuck the gun in his face. He Said: "I Am The Viper And I Have Come To Vipe Your Vindows!"
(Submitted by Jody Laden)
A little rope walked into a bar, climbed up on the seat and said "Bartender get me a drink." The bartender said "We don't serve ropes like you." The rope leaves and as he's walking he asked a man to tie him in a knot. He did it, then the rope asked him to fray his ends. The rope walks back to the bar and said "Get me a drink!" "But aren't you that little rope that was in here a while ago?" The rope said "No, I'm afraid not." (a frayed knot)
(Submitted by Carl W. Dunn)
A scuba diver was 20 feet down under the water and saw a man without scuba gear. The man without the gear went down 20 more feet and the man with the gear followed. They kept doing that until they were at the bottom. Now the man with the gear is confused, so he takes a waterproof chalk and board out of his bag and writes "How the heck can you stay down here without any gear?" The man without the gear takes the eraser and then writes "I am drowning you moron!!!"
(Submitted by R.H.)
Once there was a moron and her house was on fire
so she called 9-1-1. The operator answered and said,"How do
we get there?"
The moron said "DUH, USE THE BIG RED TRUCK!"
(Submitted by GERM E.)
Math Teacher: "If you put your hand in your right pocket and
found 75 cents, and then put your hand in your left pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?"
George:"Someone else's pants!"
(Submitted by Tandi Gardner)
Q: There is a man who lives on the thirteenth floor of an apartment. He
always goes on the elevator, and when it is not raining he only goes to the
seventh floor, and takes the stairs the rest of the way. When it is raining
out he takes the elevator up to the thirteeth floor. Why?
A: He is too short to reach the thirteenth button on the elevator, But when
it is raining he has his umbrella to reach the thirteenth floor.
(Submitted by Megan)
A man hears a knock at his door. He opens the door, looks around, then
down, and sees a snail on his front step. He picks it up, and throws it
into the street.
Ten years later, the man hears a knock at his door. When he opens the
door, there sits the same snail. The snail says, "WHAT THE HECK WAS
THAT ALL ABOUT!!?"
(Submitted by Diane)
A boy had to use the bathroom really bad. His teacher told him first he had to say the ABC's. He said ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ. The teacher said "where's the P", and the boy said "its running down my leg!"
(Submitted by Josh)
There were three men who had one wish each. The first one said "I want
to be the cleverest man in the world." He walked off and built a boat
and sailed across the lake. The next one said "I want to be even
cleverer than him". He went off and built a ship and sailed across the
lake. The third man said "I want to be cleverer than both of them." So
he walked across the bridge.
(Submitted by Ruby & Joc from Monson School)
Once there were three little pigs. The first pig walked into a bar and asked
the bartender, " How many beers do you sell?" "We sell 5 beers." "Can I have
6 beers please." "Sure!" So the bartender gets the first little pig 6 beers.
The pig drinks all 6 and asks the bartender "Where is the bathroom?" "Down
the hall and to the left". The next day the second little pig comes in and
says "How many beers do you sell?" "We sell 6 beers". So, the little pig
asks for 7 beers, he drinks them all and says "where's the bathroom?" "Down
the hall and to the left". The next day the third little pig comes in and says
"How many beers do you sell?" The bartender says "7", so the little pig
asks for 8 beers. He drinks them all and the bartender says "Let me guess,
you're going to ask me where the bathroom is, right?" "No because I'm the little
piggy who goes wee wee wee wee all the way home!!!"
(Submitted by Kathryn Wene)
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Tom Hanks were all making a movie about famous composers.
Leo said "I'll be Beethoven"
Tom said "I'll be Tchaikovsky"
Arnold said "I'll be Bach"!
(Submitted by Frasier)
A moron put a quarter into a coke machine and pushed the COKE
button. A can of Coke came down. The moron said, "YES!" He repeated this several times, pushing a different button every time. Finally the man behind him said, "What are you doing?" The moron said, "I'm winning, DUH!"
(Submitted by Seth Abernathy)
There was a lady with 4 husbands. One was a millionaire, one was an actor, one was a hairdresser and one was a limo driver. One of the lady's friends asked her, "Why do you need 4 husbands, why not just one?" The lady said, "One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and four to go!"
(Submitted by Jennifer)
A murder occured in a car. When the police arrived, they found the cars windows rolled up, and all the doors were locked. How did the murder occur? It was a convertible!
(Submitted by Carl)
You walk into a dark room. There is a candle, an oven, and a fireplace. You only have one match. Which item should you light first? The match!
(Submitted by Sam Lee)
A boy wrote this home from camp:
Dear Mom and Dad,
Thi$ i$ what I need!
Plea$e $end $ome $oon!
Love,
Jimmy
His parents wrote back:
NOthing much happening here.
Hope you're NOt being a NOughty boy.
We miss you.
Love,
Mom & Dad
(Submitted by Lawrene)
An alien went to a Gas Station and thought the gas pump was an earthling. The alien said, "Take Me To Your Leader, Take Me To Your Leader and please take your finger out of your ear when I am talking to you!"
(Submitted by Jody Laden)
Jack: Why are you crying?
Jill: Because the teacher yelled at me for something I didn't do.
Jack: What was that?
Jill : My homework!
(Submitted by Boo-Boo)
A duck walks into a bar and says "Got any grapes?" and the bartender
says "No we don't sell grapes!". So the next day the duck comes back
and says "Got any grapes?" and the bartender says "No we don't sell
grapes, and the next time you come in here for grapes I'm going to nail your feet to the ground!!" So the next day the duck comes back and says "Got any nails?" and the bartender says "No, we don't sell nails" so the duck says "Got any hammers?" and the bartender says "No we don't sell hammers!" So the duck says "Got any grapes?"
(Submitted by Ashlie)
What's 1x2? 2
What's 1+1? 2
Who wrote Tom Sawyer? Twain
Now say all the answers together, in order.
Two Two Twain
Have a nice twip!
(Submitted by Trip)
A man was pushing his car and he saw a red hotel in front of him. He knew that he was going to go bankrupt, and shortly afterwards would go to jail. Why? Because he was playing Monopoly!
(Submitted by * Adena *)
Send me your jokes & riddles...if I like them I'll post them, and give you the credit! Just click on the envelope below, type out your joke, and tell me the name or nickname that you want me to post with it.
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